Forgive and be forgiven

Now that the Jewish Holiday of “Yom Kippur” is here and with this crazy year it brought me to think about the idea of Forgive and be Forgiven

As a mediator I see a verity of cases held together by one thing in common " Forgive and be forgiven".

The more the parties forgive each other, the smoother and less painful the session is.

One morning I got a phone call from a nice lady named Tal (fictitious name), who was a client of mine in a divorce mediation process.

Her divorce story wasn't so different than other stories, her husband was cheating on her and it took a while until we reached an agreement. She felt, betrayed and that there was a breach of trust between them. She felt hatred, anger and other emotionally intense feelings.

At some point she even wanted to stop the mediation sessions, but she knew that the mediation road is cheaper, faster and better for the long term.

She called me to tell me that she had a long talk with her husband. Since her daughter was getting married, they had to collaborate regarding her wedding. She wanted to share with me that during their conversation, it came to the point when they spoke about him and the time when he was cheating on her and left home (part of the reason they got divorced). At that moment she felt that she can tell him "I forgive you" and that is exactly what she did. On his side, he said “I am sorry for hurting you".

What gripped me most about this call was that while it was relatively easy for her to say the words “I forgive you” it seems to me that it was much harder to internally forgive and let go.

Did she really let go of the pain and suffering he had caused her?

Did she just forgive him or can she be forgiven as well?

What is the secret of forgiveness? I think it is not just to forgive but also to be forgiven, to know how to accept forgiveness of others.

The key to forgiveness is the ability to identify people with their inner beauty and virtue.

Can we see their beauty and virtue?

I have no doubt that many of you are carrying some deep wounds for months and maybe even years. When you think about the person who hurt you, the feeling is as fresh as if it happened this morning. The pain is still there, and you’re still filled with resentment.

You say, “Why in the world should I forgive that person, who hurt me so much? You have no idea how much they hurt me. Why should I offer grace to that person?”